Many of you wishing to undertake the feminization process find yourselves at crossroads at times, weighing all your options, considering the possibilities and facing very real thoughts of doubt and uncertainty. Not needing validation yet somehow wanting to find it. This letter from sissy B. (complete name has been shortened to protect anonymity) from France I know will serve as inspiration to many of you. I hope you enjoy and feel free to comment and share your thoughts of support and lover for sissy B.
Dear Mrs. Dede,
I am at a crossroads:
1) It is possible that I have a job in Madagascar, for one or more years (I leave very far away).
2) Either I choose the path of Mistress Dede (to devote myself to you entirely, if you wish, only if you wish), which will lead my total feminization (no backtrack / no return possible).
I would like to bring you my testimony. I know that if you feminize me, totally feminize my body, I will become totally in love with you.
I love being in love. I love this state of love, full of humility, who wants to be very small (in front of you). Although I am not a believer, this (feminine) state reminds me of St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians (°)
(I would love to adore you, adulate you, deify you).
I have the impression that you are my destiny (that I am destined for you?), That there is a force, that we could make each other happy.
Very early, around the age of 6, I wanted to be a little girl, with pretty dresses.
But I had a father who was violently homophobic, who rejected me all my life, and who made me disgusted with my desire and provoked in me a rejection of travesty (crossdressing).
But desire was “working” on (in) me. At the age of 13, I had sexual fantasies of vagina (in me), with a woman’s body, but that it is hidden and that I always live like a man (fear of the rejection, conscience that the barrier of the sexes is a taboo that must not be broken, on pain of condemnation and rejection for deviance).
I tried to have a male sexuality, but it is, in my case, very hard, I never succeeded (total failure).
Whatever I do, to have sexual pleasure, I must imagine myself with a vagina and been penetrated (like a wife).
My gender identity is unclear or variable (not clear). By my moment, I can feel masculine (not coquettish, not concerned about my appearance) and, at other times, more feminine, with the desire, for example, of earrings. (And then, I feel that internally, I am a person who feels that it flees the violence and the conflicts, I have never understood the fights of roosters, chiefs, males …).
I can easily talk about me in the feminine.
(In any case, at the level of gender identity, I am not sure of being transsexual, rather of having a vague gender identity (gender fluid ? I don’t know)).
Turning into a woman, by great love you, could be fun, enjoyable, even “enjoyable”, hypnotizing … I like the idea “no backwards possible” (no return possible), irreversible.
But at the same time, it’s very complicated. Between dream and reality, there is a deep moat and it can quickly turn into a nightmare.
The transition from man to woman is and remains a fighter’s journey, something very hard.
In France, it’s hard, everything is controlled.
For example, for hormones, I found a woman endocrinologist, but she asks me before hormone therapy, a whole battery of medical examinations.
Coming as a woman, I went through the official teams, with Dr. Cordier, who received me rather well. After a long journey, one or two years, the French social security offers hormone therapy and SRS operation.
What is hard is that they ask you to live as a woman, without hormone therapy (without feminization of the body). It’s going to the pipe breaker (it’s suicidal).
I came as a woman, for an internship of organic farming, and I was dismissed from this internship, for an excuse (which prevented me from defending myself. It was discrimination, in fact).
Maybe because of my breasts (or my interrupted / partial hormone therapy), because I was very militant on Facebook for the LGBT cause (and this was known), a woman who hated me for what I am, told me that she knew I was transsexual and that she would do anything to get me off the job as a landscaping worker (she even made a misleading accusation against me to management). Finally, by dint of fighting, I managed to get the diploma. I talked to close friends, that I was maybe transsexual (and a psychological path …).
And I lost some friends (including a 10 year old friend who was rather homophobic, telling me that I would be a pathetic fairy monster _ very hard words). I do not feel my neighbors open.
(In some difficulties, I had very pretty feminine clothes and all the beauty products, but they were stolen during a move, and in this case, I would have to buy them).
I found a page for oestradiol valerate (the product that makes you grow breasts, the faster).
But now, this site does not deliver anymore. And it’s getting harder and harder to find a site that delivers oestradiol valerate.
For example, this site delivers only in industrial quantities, per 1000 doses.
For the SRS operation, I managed to find this transsexuality certificate. But I do not know if this single certificate will suffice (I’m always afraid that my bodily appearance is not feminine enough, because I had abandoned hormone therapy, by myself, during the way), even if I I have received positive responses from Thai surgeon doctors Pichet, Piyapas and Chettawut Tulayaphanich.
If I want to make the transition, in my mind, I want to be credible, that my “passing” must be good.
If I prioritize No. 1, 1) the SRS operation, 2) the feminization fascial operation, I would be much more credible and the hormone therapy would be all the easier.
Credibility is very important to me, I have to be beautiful, very feminine (by my dress, my appearance, my gestures, my speech, my voice).
I would have to change countries, cut off all relationships with some friends.
It may be too complicated (as faced with a high mountain).
That’s why I’m moving towards you only intuitively. Come what may. Nothing is clear in my head. Everything is and remains for the moment the domain of fantasy.
If you help me, support me, protect me, in my transition, my gratitude, my love, my loyalty, my fidelity, you would be acquired for life. I would totally surrender to your sweet hold.
In my fantasies, I imagine that I am reasonable, that I think before you support me (protect me). Then to make me understand in a cryptic way that I want you my transition (that you want me to have a pussy and big tits / boobs), you sent me, by anonymous mail, from Florida, a box of ‘hormones to take, according to a certain dosage, accompanied by a key ring with just the letters DD above).
Have a beautiful day.
(°) 01 I could speak all the languages of men and angels, if I do not have charity, if I miss the love, I am only a copper that resonates, a resounding cymbal.
02 I could be a prophet, have all the knowledge of the mysteries and all the knowledge of God, I might have all faith to transport the mountains, if I miss the love, I am nothing.
03 I could not have distributed all my fortune to the hungry, I could have burned alive, if I miss the love, it serves me nothing.
04 Love takes patience; love renders service; love does not jealous; he does not boast, does not swell with pride;
05 he does not do anything unseemly; he does not seek his interest; he does not get carried away; he does not harbor a grudge;
06 He does not rejoice in the unjust, but he finds joy in what is true;
07 he supports everything, he trusts everything, he hopes everything, he endures everything.
08 Love will never pass. The prophecies will be passed, the gift of languages will cease, the actual knowledge will be passed.
Source: FIRST LETTER OF SAINT PAUL APOSTLE TO THE CORINTHIANS
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